No, really, you shouldn't have ...

I have a plethora of posts to catch up on since taking a much-needed sabatical from writing for the last two weeks (but I will continue my theme posting through November, or at least until I am caught up on our lives, and, at last check, it was winter 2009) but first, a VERY SPECIAL Frugal Fridays post.

With just under two months until Christmas, my guest room is slowly filling up with boxes and bags of holiday cheer, most of which, of course, were bought with a coupon. And amid the (ever-growing) Toys R Us Express that is Collin's holiday haul, I have amassed more than 10 toys to donate to Toys For Tots thanks to a wonderful Kmart coupon for $5 off any toy $5 or more. Pretty pastel tea sets and shiny Hot Wheels sets ... all fun, all useful, and all free. Fabulous! I love the giving spirit of the holidays knowing that my efforts will ensure that needy children will have something to open under the tree.

So now that I have gotten the mention of my altruism out of the way (to make me feel less guilty about what I am about to say), I can discuss the flip side of the giving spirit -- the gifts that no one would want, and yet I still seem to get. To be clear, I am not an ingrate. I love most presents, and am always touched by the effort that is put into buying or making them. Ah, there's that key word: effort. Really, how how hard is it to ask someone -- or their spouse -- for birthday or Christmas ideas? Or, if nothing else, to not buy them golf clubs as a fertility tool?

But that's not how my in-laws roll.

So, without further ado, a primer on some of the gifts I have received over the years:

Christmas 2003: Nothing says Merry Christmas to your son's girlfriend (who you don't really know -- or like -- well) like a gift certificate to Victoria's Secret. Granted, I love Victoria's Secret -- even if they have yet to create a Forklift Bra for post-pregnancy -- but hello, awkward. I smiled sweetly and said something about being thrilled that I could get some new flannel pajamas ... and promptly went out and bought a glittery bra and matching underwear, to be used in conjuntion with my other gift ...

... Because there's nothing like a post-coital Icee.


Christmas 2004: Polyester yarn, a big letter J ... how could a girl get so lucky? And did I mention that the water bottle leaked the first time I used it -- when I was home with both a horrible cold and cramps -- and I woke up from a nap thinking I'd wet the bed? At least I wasn't wearing the previous year's gift. Wet glitter isn't nearly as sparkly.


Christmas 2007: My mother-in-law went on and on about how long she spent picking out this "candle lantern" in the store ... Funny that for someone with a black belt in shopping, I have never seen a store called the Partylite Catalog. Re-gift much?! And to think that my sister-in-law got a gift certificate to Gene Juarez instead ... Who needs a mani/pedi when you can have a flammable disco ball? And, because marriage is all about sharing, Chris can lay ownership to this beauty ...

... And I can lay claim to the surround sound that they bought him the same year. Yep, surround sound, for a living room in which I am currently sitting less than 15 feet away from the TV. Happy holidays, and thanks for deafening us! Then again, I suppose that being deaf would prevent me from hearing the whir of the Icee maker ... had I not taken it back for its complete inability to actually crush ice.


My birthday, 2007: And speaking of whipping up a snack, who DOESN'T think of Al Roker when they're contemplating stromboli?


My birthday, 2008: Ah, the gift that will go down in history. My well-meaning(?!) in-laws bought me a set of golf clubs to help me get pregnant. (Direct quote: "You just get out there and golf, and you'll be pregnant in no time!") All you need to know is that I managed to get myself knocked up later that month, the golf clubs never made it out of the box, and Collin got some rockin argyle with the profit I netted on Craigslist.


Christmas 2008: Nothing sounds better to a poor, tired pregnant woman than a little pampering, so I was elated to get a Gene Juarez maternity massage as my gift. I think I even did a little waddle-dance in the living room after opening it. I was not, however, dancing at the front desk of the spa after my hour of bliss when I found out that my newly unemployed self had to pony up the Amex and cover half the cost. Talk about a zen-sapper.


My birthday, 2009: I will totally wage war to use a coupon so I can get my kid a free single-serve organic chocolate milk, but when it comes to jewlery, I have no qualms about dropping mucho dinero on little blue boxes of pretty silver necklaces and shiny bead earrings. I love, love, love Tiffany & Co., and the vast majority of my jewlery comes from there. THIS, which I was told looks just like me, does not ...

... And neither does this. Yes, this is a dry-erase calendar that you can hang on a wall, but mine is a little fancier. I just couldn't find it online, and unfortunately, mine now resides in the home of whomever bought it on red-tag day at the Lakewood Goodwill. So you'll have to imagine fancy red script across the top that reads "Hey Good Lookin, Whatcha Got Cookin?" I don't know; maybe Al Roker has one in his kitchen.

And just so you don't think I am the only lucky one:

Chris' birthday, 2008: Tabletop fun for sports fans ages 7 and up -- and therefore a very appropriate gift for your son's 29th birthday.


Chris' birthday, 2009: There's nothing like a wolf walking stick ... for a man who doesn't actually hike.

And best of all? Christmas is coming.