This is me ...

There's a passage in "Inside Out" that I absolutely love. I remember loving it when I wrote it, and I still do. And in the interest of being totally egotistical, I am going to post it here. (Hey, it's been a long week and it's only Tuesday.)

“This is me," she said softly, standing up to face him. “I’m a woman who left home at 18 because she was tired of living in a state of apathy. I’m a woman who eats too much chocolate, drives too fast and spends too much time looking at her flaws in the mirror.” He looked like he wanted to say something, but her words kept flowing out. “I’m a woman who cries at sappy movies – but only if no one else is around – and who keeps her Kerth Awards in a cabinet so she doesn’t get complacent."

I was thinking about that passage today for some reason. I don't eat too much chocolate -- more like pasta -- and I don't keep my Kerth Awards in a cabinet -- more like my inbox -- but I do spend too much time looking at my flaws in the mirror, I do drive too fast, and I do cry at (some) sappy movies. But that isn't all.

I am a woman who somewhere along the line forgot that it is possible to be truly happy. And I'm a woman who has spent so much time thinking about why she isn't happy that it's been slowly driving her crazy. I'm a woman who has idolized Lois Lane since she was 12 -- and is horrified sometimes to realize just how much like her she actually has become. I'm a woman who turned to writing as a method of escapism from her fertility problems -- and now needs a method of escapism from writing -- or at least a lot less pressure. (And yes, I am aware that most of it is self-imposed, but I suppose you can say that it's one of the ways I am like Lois.) I'm a woman who is never satisfied and constantly wants to achieve more in her career -- but is lucky to even have a job considering the way the industry is these days -- and one I love (most of the time), no less.

I am a woman who needs to relax. Even if it's only for an hour. These days, I am a woman who can't even sit down and watch "Desperate Housewives" without thinking about 800 things she has to do when the show is over, without putting in or speed-folding laundry during the commercial break -- or, if I'm really pressed for time, without working on some story or editing something for someone else during the show.

So I'm taking a step back. I'm not even going to think about the B word for a week, and see if that helps. I'm not going to let myself get dragged into any drama, I'm not going to worry about things that are out of my control, I am going to finish G&L15 and the Cinco De Mayo story on my terms and post them when I am comfortable with the finished products, and I am going to take some time for myself, including, weather permitting, taking walks during my dinner break at work.

In short, I'm going to give myself a break for a week.

After all, this is me. I'm the only one who can decide if I'm happy, and I'm the only one that can change it if I'm not. And it's not that I'm not happy right now -- I just know I could be happier.