Friday, February 15, 2008
A new day has come ...
"I feel so confused; losing something I never really had."
-- Lois Lane, "The Family Hour."
Is it possible to both dread and look forward to a day? Because if so, that would be today.
Today is my due date.
It's the day I never wanted to reach because it would remind me that I should be in Seattle right now, giving birth to my first child, rather than going to Seattle later today to write Newsline and read stories about the stock market. And it's the day I have looked forward to because once it passes, this book will be closed once and for all, and I will, God willing, be able to move on once and for all. I'll be able to look at the stroller in my garage (I wish I could figure out how to fold the damn thing up; it doesn't bode well for my parenting skills) and the book about bears and the stuffed cougar in the back of my closet without feeling regret ... or anger ... or sadness ... or all three, depending on the day. Some days, I'm totally fine. And on others, all I want to do is go back to bed.
Maybe I'll be able to watch the final disc of L&C Season 4 -- namely "The Family Hour" --without thinking about how I know exactly what Lois means -- and worrying that I'll never actually find what I lost.
And maybe I'll be able to listen to Celine Dion without getting teary. For the record, I don't usually cry over random Canadian singers. This one just happens to have a "cameo" in the tale of my fertility woes. We saw her perform in Las Vegas in June, shortly after I found out I was pregnant, and being the hormonal mess that all newly pregnant women are, I started crying about two seconds after she started to sing "A New Day Has Come."
Through the darkness and good times
I knew I'd make it through
And the world thought I had it all
But I was waiting for you
The day of ... well, let's just call it Black Tuesday, I was listening to that same song as I drove up to Swedish for my appointment.
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new sun
A new day has come
So this weekend, when I turned on the concert DVD for the first time, and I heard those haunting lyrics, I turned into a puddle of pink tears right there on the couch.
But the thing is, she's right.
A new day will come.
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*hugest of hugs*
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts, and prayers are with you.
I know this day isn't going to be an easy one, but I am sure bright ones will come to you some day soon. What you lost can never be replaced, but every new day brings hope of new life, new memories...
As I have been learning from so many recently - we can't dwell in the past, we must live for today and look forward to the future... easy to say... hard to do...
Despite being 1/2 a planet away, I'm standing right beside you Jenn. *lots more hugs*
Jenn,
ReplyDeleteI did think about you today and I thought how difficult this day must be for you. I read your post and I just can imagine what you're feeling right now. Unfortunately, I think you have to live it to understand it. Nobody deserves what happened and certainly not you.
I'm not sure about what I could say to cheer you up because I'm not sure my words will be enough. I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you.
I'm glad to see you have in faith in the future. I hope you really believe in the words you write and you believe that a new day will come. I do think this new day will come. You deserve to happy.
I'm joining Lisa to tell you again that despite of being on the other side of earth I'm with you too.
Un gros câlin de l'escargot pour mon amie Jenn :)
Jenn,
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know that you do have many friends- and sources of support- and while I can't imagine what you're going through, I also want to say that I truly do believe that your new day will come- and it will be all the sweeter for the days of bitterness you have now. And may I say... life's a bitch sometimes, but you just have to have the audacity and courage to keep on. I know you'll be fine, because first of all, you *so* deserve it, and second, you have no shortage of audacity and courage!
Many hugs from the east coast and luvyameanitcallme if you need anything at all.
Rose
AKA The Brain